it occurred to me that i needed, and was perhaps watching myself prepare, to let go of the dual-identity that i have been maintaining for so long. i felt like i was standing on the edge, in that place of wanting to hold on to both worlds as long as i can, wanting to continue to be independent and dependent at the same time. i want to have my own life but also slip back into this life too. i want the safety net of both homes, of sort of playing house wherever i lived but being able to count on the more permanent place of the home where i grew up.
these thoughts make that bon jovi country song keep playing on a loop in my head. i'm not saying you can't go back but i have been living a life in-between for quite some time. it's a strange existence where my permanent address has been a place where i haven't lived for more than a month in nearly 6 years. it's an existence where, when i leave the place i'm living i say i'm going home but when i return to that same place, i'm also going home. home is in either and both directions for me. and i realized during that landing that i really like this flexibility, of being able to go "home" anytime and slide right in. but i cant have a split focus forever. part of staying in new orleans was this idea of establishing some sort of roots. that doesn't mean i'll stay forever, but i think it requires a mental shift. maybe it's because i'm actually moving all my furniture and living some place where i have to pay all the bills. maybe it's because my mom told me the next time i move, i pay. whatever it is, there is a shift.
i'd like to think i'm ready for it, but large parts of me are scared, anxious, wanting to leave the big stuff for my parents to sort out, to do what grown-ups do. part of that too is that mostly when i look in the mirror, the word "adult" is not the first thing that comes to mind. but i learned recently that i have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others' appearances...so i must trust that what i see in my reflection is where and who i am right now, and thus where and who i should be. i'm entering a time that is distinctly different to the pattern i have grown accustomed to: go home on set breaks because someone else has decided my schedule. i don't think i'm still trapped in a college mindset but i have to admit--it's very convenient. i've been taking baby steps, well maybe toddler steps, into the "real world" since graduation 3 years ago, but this feels like the biggest step yet. it's like with every forward step i have taken, i have not committed fully to being all there. now, it's like moving more fully in a forward direction. maybe that's it--this actually feels like something different. i'm not in a program, i get to set my own rules, for goodness sake i have a real job! it's fitting then that something would feel different...and just in time.
i would like to have a book that i could turn to that would say: "this is how you should feel right now." and i would adjust accordingly. but part of this process is freeing myself from the "should's" and learning instead to trust the Spirit inside of me. learning to be present in each moment.
yet another part of it is this--my desire for home will never be entirely satisfied, no matter where i physically live. that is part of the way i was created...
They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. (Hebrews 11:13-16)
the home for which i am yearning is a far better place...
and in the meantime i will attempt to sow my heart's seeds in the context and setting of the story in which i find myself.
amen
3 comments:
Amen.
Know that you're not alone in this struggle of finding home and letting go of home. I'm not sure what home is anymore, except that I know it is community that makes home. It's tough to put down roots in an uncertain world. It's tough to let go of a place where you are safe and you are protected. But God called you here for a reason and is calling you to stay and you know that. For now, NOLA is home--and I for one am GLAD!
We really are more alike than I had thought. I speak only for myself, but your words echo mine (most of them, anyway). 'Fun' is not the word I would use to describe our near-constant journeying. But then, 'wrenching' seems a bit to harsh. The world does not stop while we try to make up our minds about what to do... each of us must set our minds to the task at hand, set our shoulder to the wheel, and push. And once we set our feet in the right place, and push in the right direction... I'm proud of you, proud you're my sister, proud of you just as you are. And proud of you as you change, always.
We are more alike than either of us know. Our near-constant journeying lies somewhere between the extremes of 'wrenching' and 'fun', with lots of swings (of course). The world does not wait for us to make up our minds about what to do. But once we dig our heels into the right soil, and face the right direction, and set our shoulder to the wheel and push... there's no limit to what we can accomplish. I'm proud of you, proud you're my sister, proud of you just as you are. And proud of you as you continue to grow and mature, always.
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