how many times can one person move away from home?

i can't quite verbalize all that occurred to me in that instant on the plane, but as we pulled into the terminal at o'hare, with the overly restless white sox fan sitting to my left, i began to think. something about coming "home" and what that means.

it occurred to me that i needed, and was perhaps watching myself prepare, to let go of the dual-identity that i have been maintaining for so long. i felt like i was standing on the edge, in that place of wanting to hold on to both worlds as long as i can, wanting to continue to be independent and dependent at the same time. i want to have my own life but also slip back into this life too. i want the safety net of both homes, of sort of playing house wherever i lived but being able to count on the more permanent place of the home where i grew up.

these thoughts make that bon jovi country song keep playing on a loop in my head. i'm not saying you can't go back but i have been living a life in-between for quite some time. it's a strange existence where my permanent address has been a place where i haven't lived for more than a month in nearly 6 years. it's an existence where, when i leave the place i'm living i say i'm going home but when i return to that same place, i'm also going home. home is in either and both directions for me. and i realized during that landing that i really like this flexibility, of being able to go "home" anytime and slide right in. but i cant have a split focus forever. part of staying in new orleans was this idea of establishing some sort of roots. that doesn't mean i'll stay forever, but i think it requires a mental shift. maybe it's because i'm actually moving all my furniture and living some place where i have to pay all the bills. maybe it's because my mom told me the next time i move, i pay. whatever it is, there is a shift.

i'd like to think i'm ready for it, but large parts of me are scared, anxious, wanting to leave the big stuff for my parents to sort out, to do what grown-ups do. part of that too is that mostly when i look in the mirror, the word "adult" is not the first thing that comes to mind. but i learned recently that i have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others' appearances...so i must trust that what i see in my reflection is where and who i am right now, and thus where and who i should be. i'm entering a time that is distinctly different to the pattern i have grown accustomed to: go home on set breaks because someone else has decided my schedule. i don't think i'm still trapped in a college mindset but i have to admit--it's very convenient. i've been taking baby steps, well maybe toddler steps, into the "real world" since graduation 3 years ago, but this feels like the biggest step yet. it's like with every forward step i have taken, i have not committed fully to being all there. now, it's like moving more fully in a forward direction. maybe that's it--this actually feels like something different. i'm not in a program, i get to set my own rules, for goodness sake i have a real job! it's fitting then that something would feel different...and just in time.

i would like to have a book that i could turn to that would say: "this is how you should feel right now." and i would adjust accordingly. but part of this process is freeing myself from the "should's" and learning instead to trust the Spirit inside of me. learning to be present in each moment.

yet another part of it is this--my desire for home will never be entirely satisfied, no matter where i physically live. that is part of the way i was created...

They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. (Hebrews 11:13-16)

the home for which i am yearning is a far better place...

and in the meantime i will attempt to sow my heart's seeds in the context and setting of the story in which i find myself.

amen

my apologies

firstly, let me say i am really sorry for the extended delay in posting. while i'm sure there are only a few of you who have stayed on the edge of your seat awaiting this moment, i do feel bad because it was my intention to be more prompt in posting updates. and, there actually is an update to report.

the meat of the message is this: i have decided to stay in new orleans! i have already been able to see many of you and talk to you about this in person, but i am glad to have the opportunity to share it with those who i have not seen.

as a friend told me last year when i was considering coming to new orleans for a year-long volunteer program, the time for decision would come. and come it did. as of the last update i had several clear options, but really my head was spinning with the knowledge that i could honestly, fortunately, and probably do pretty much anything i wanted to do. i was feeling so overwhelmed for most of the decision-considering process that i was really leaning towards just going back to chicago after this program was finished and taking some time to rest and make a decision, somehow immune to any of the outside influences which might have effected my decision. it was going to be just me and my thoughts. (that's a scary idea...)

all the while, i had been praying and seeking prayer for God to provide clarity, peace, discernment--all those things which seem to make the process less painful and confusing. i kept saying, and wanted to believe, that although i had several clear options i was open to wherever God was calling me.

i cant remember the exact sequence of events, but those are less important than their cumulative product. somehow, my mind began thinking about the staying-in-neworleans option differently than it had before. i began to see things here differently and began to look at the process of decision-making differently. in the end, what it boiled down to was this: i could either go home, to spend time with my thoughts, and look for an opportunity that included urban ministry, involvement with a healthy church body, living and working in the same community, and be near friends OR i could stay in new orleans which included working with an urban ministry, involvement with a healthy church body, living and working in the same community, and being with friends. hm... now, i do not mean to imply that all cities are the same or all urban ministries are the same or that my experience with any given ministry would be the same as the experience i could have in new orleans. BUT it didn't seem to make sense that i would give up what i've been building here for a year to go start somewhere else, with the goal of building something very very similar.

this process has reminded me that crucial lesson--just about the time i want to give up on a place because i dont fit in or havent connected, is right about the time that all those connections or friends i had randomly met start falling into place. just stick around long enough and things will come together. not to mention being a part of the life of a place. if living somewhere for one year gives you a picture of a place, think how much more filled-in and deep the colors of that picture can be when given more time to explore and dive into that place. so, thus was my conclusion to stay in new orleans.

now for the specifics. i will join the staff of Desire Street Ministries in New Orleans and work with several families on the start of a new church in a neighborhood near the Upper Ninth Ward. i have been promised that i will not be spending all my time at a desk...in fact i get to spend time in the neighborhood getting to know families, as well as help with an after-school program and free tax preparation! i will be moving to live closer to this neighborhood with a friend from church.

i am really excited about this opportunity and am glad to have made a decision. of course, many questions and unknowns remain, as is the natural state of life in new orleans these days. but, i have learned that faith means taking a step when you dont have all the answers and trusting that God will provide the ground to stand on at the moment you need it. and it hasn't failed yet!

to see life like this...

the inspiration of this boy's story is bringing me to tears. amazing.

no-la

today i had a truly unique new orleanian experience, and the type they don't tell you on the visitors' tour...

thunder and lightning woke me up about 2:30 am and it rained hard on and off all day. well apparently what happens in a city built below sea level when it rains really hard for several hours is that the roads begin to look like rivers. and so it was, when we tried to go back to work after lunch, we looked around and all we could see were cars trying to swim by, water coming up to the tops of the tires. it was craziness!!! it's a combination of being below sea level + sewers that are clogged (because the city is below sea level) + pumps that might not always be working at full force. i got even more of a taste when, in our attempt to drive home, we hit a low spot and (only by the grace of God) just barely made it through. however, not without some questionable effect to the engine--i'm getting that checked out tomorrow morning.

the weirdest part to me was how this was accepted as just a normal thing, the attitude of "this is just what happens." in my mind, coming from chicago where if the snow on your street doesnt get plowed within an hour of its landing there, you're ready to boot your representative from office, this just seemed ridiculous. as our friend from work said though, if it's 2007 and it's always been this way, what's gonna change it now? good point. and it also opened my eyes to what may have been going through the minds of some residents during the build-up to hurricane katrina. if spring and summer storms are a common occurrence, and people can normally just stay inside and shrug them off, then perhaps that is what kept so many people from taking the threats seriously...

and i realized something else, something bigger. if i was in africa, i would have far more compassion for the potentially slower pace of life and fewer modern conveniences. and thats because i am willing to embrace that culture for what it is, instead of trying to impose my standards on what i think it should be. now maybe it's harder for me to do that in relation to New Orleans because we are still in America, after all, but i think it's only fair that i extend grace to this city, as well as to its people...as well as to myself, trying to make sense of this crazy place. New Orleans has a culture all its own, as does every place on the map, and when i abandon my standards and expectations and particular cultural lens, i am freer to embrace what i see before me and celebrate the eccentricities all around. so that's what i want to try to do, flooded streets and all.




note: for the most part, i'm talking about convenience-related cultural quirks. there are clearly various cultural practices around the world that have serious moral failings. that's not what i'm addressing here.

check out Displace me pictures here!