on the benefits of traveller's sickness

I must confess that my major concern and anxiety (even in the face of Philippians 4) regarding my travels was getting sick. I wasn’t that nervous about my safety or if I’d get along with the other team members. I honestly wasn’t even that worried about the long flights. But, I found that after a few days of being in Soshanguve, I was nervous about every thing I put in my mouth to eat or drink. It was beginning to get a bit paralyzing! During your pre-trip visit to the travel clinic to get immunizations and other preparations, they try to scare you about all the possible risks and illnesses that could befall any innocent traveler. And I, for one, do not like getting sick. As many people know, it has gotten to the point of distancing myself when I may perchance be exposed to any number of my friends who may be sick at any given time. It definitely inhibits any potential compassion that may come from me. So at any rate, I didn’t want to get sick and I was finding it to consume much of my thoughts. I of course still wanted to enjoy myself and be immersed in the experience; I was just finding it hard to shake these fears.

And then it happened… I was getting ready to go out for a day of planned activities with Luc on Monday and bam! “the runny tummy” as the team calls it. And that was it—that did me in for the next three days. I knew it wasn’t just any random stomachache, but instead one of those that just doesn’t feel better with time and trips to the bathroom. This would just have to be suffered through. And so while I’d love to be able to recount for you what I did each day during my second week in the township, most of it was spent napping and just taking it easy to allow my body time to recover. And while I didn’t enjoy feeling ill and wouldn’t recommend it for other travelers, I can honestly look back and appreciate the experience.

i can recall wednesday morning, being so frustrated with the whole situation. Luc had planned to push Monday’s activity back to Wednesday but I was still feeling a bit weak on Wednesday. I knew in my heart and my mind that God was still in control and his plans were best, but it still irritated me. “I came all the way here to get sick?? That just seems like a waste of time!” I complained to God. It was a very tangible demonstration of when james wrote that we do not know what tomorrow will bring. in the same moment that I fretted over not understanding the bigger purpose of it all, God’s gentle voice reassured me that even if I didn’t understand it or it didn’t make sense, He still in fact had a plan, that made sense in the bigger sense, and that was all the sense that mattered. I was reminded, gently, how small and immediate-minded I am and how much bigger and eternally-focused God is. God’s plans are always better than what we can hatch up—even when we decide to do something that promotes God’s name. I don’t get the sense that God didn’t want us to do what Luc had planned, or that in some way God was trying to teach me I should not have come to South Africa at all. No, instead he used the time of doubt to make clear His control.

Another benefit of my illness, and something that I thank God for, was the opportunity to read “The New Friars”. this was a book that I had run into on several occasions and had added to the mental list of books that I wanted to read, someday. I don’t remember even how it got brought up, but Luc had it and offered to let me read it. Now, I am not a fast reader, but the task came upon me to finish a 185-page book in 4 days! That’s unheard of for me. But it pushed me to be more deeply involved and invested, instead of reading a few pages here and there and then coming back to it after a break of several days. What an amazing thing to be able to read this book which recounts stories of historical and modern friar movements that are reaching out to love the poor and marginalized in Jesus’ name. sure, I could have picked up this book at any of the other myriad times when I came across it. Surely some of what I could have read would have stuck with me. But there is something so valuable about reading a book that speaks directly to the circumstances you find yourself in. Innerchange was one of the “new friar” communities that the author profiled and indeed I witnessed firsthand this ministry on the margins.

And to be honest, it really made me question if this is something I can do. No wait, scratch that. This is NOT something I can do…though it is something that can be done through God’s power in me. Reading the descriptions of slum communities built on garbage mountains and missionaries going to join the poor in absolute desperate conditions reminded me how much I value my personal comfort. Yes I want the poorest of the poor to know Christ’s love and yes I believe that incarnating among people is the best demonstration of Jesus’ actions. But me??? Living among the garbage? Or among the shanty-tin shacks with no plumbing?? The Lord in his infinite wisdom saw to it that in my sickness, I would be afforded the chance to read this book and really crystallize some of my fears and questions about doing the type of ministry that I had come to visit. Perhaps if I had not been sick, and had not read the book, I would have glossed over some of the harder realities of life in the township. Perhaps I would have missed out on some of the conversations with the team that my reading of this book, and marinating on its examples, spurred among us.

Another reason why I’m thankful for this sickness is that it really forced me to slow down. I definitely didn’t think I was coming to South Africa for vacation and even though luc had told me about innerchange’s emphasis on “be”ing rather than “do”ing, I didn’t really know what to expect. Well every step of the way, I was reminded that the priority (in Innerchange…and in God’s kingdom) is people over programs or agendas. The priority was my wellness, not rushing along to accomplish a plan or check off to-do’s. I love restful time but I do not make it a habit. It really is missing the forest for the trees because I often find myself utterly exhausted, even though God has built into His plan a weekly time, devoted just to resting. Sometimes, when we forget that, He sends along nice little reminders to get our attention.

Another reason to be thankful for my sickness, and perhaps a theme that I have stumbled upon, is the gift of my worst fears and anxieties coming true. It’s like when I got into the car accident this summer—I realized soon after that that was my worst nightmare come true. Not only physically, but spiritually too—I had lost all control. In the case this past week with my sickness, it was exactly the thing I was hoping and praying did not happen. This could turn us again to why’s, especially because I know there were others in fact praying for this too. Well, it doesn’t convince me that God does not answer prayers. No, like I said before, I think God answered these prayers in the way that was best. We are limited in our perspective, so we are limited in our prayers. That is why he says he’ll give us abundantly more than we could ask or imagine—our little minds can’t handle His goodness! So, I was afraid of getting sick and then it happened. And I survived. Should this give me an invincible attitude always? Not necessarily. I don’t think this implies some sort of special magical anointing that means that bad things will never happen to me. But I do think it’s a pretty clear and good signal that even when bad things happen, those things do not have the last word. does that mean that the things that I fear will not happen? Or that my mind’s power will in fact continue to bring them to bear? Or that God was somehow punishing me for something? No, I don’t think so. But this builds my faith that even when my “worst-case-scenarios” become reality, God is still faithful and has not changed. He is with me all along and compassionate to me.