what am i doing?

it has come to my attention that i havent written a blog update in a while, and i havent really given an informative update on life since the "new" job began. the ironic thing is that i spend so much time checking my friend's blogs and wondering why they don't update more...all the while neglecting to update my own! well, i'm taking my turn now =)
i've gotten some questions about what it is i'm actually doing now. well, if you are a regular blog follower, then you know that, as of august 20, 2007, i became an official staff member of desire street ministries. last year was an internship where i was just placed with desire street/CURE, but this is a real job. more specifically, i'm working with a brand-new church plant called St. Roch Community Church. this church plant was born out of a desire of some core families who have lived in the st. roch/st. claude neighborhood for several years. they had been staff members at desire street ministries and returned to the city after the storm. while the desire neighborhood (desire street ministries' original focus) still looks much the same as it did right after the storm, the st. roch/st. claude neighborhoods sustained less flooding and were thus able to re-populate more quickly. st. roch is technically in the 8th ward of new orleans and st. claude is in the upper ninth ward.
when i agreed to come on staff with desire street, i knew i would be working for the new church but i have to admit that i thought the transition would be a little more drawn-out. but no. on my very first day on staff, i reported to the (under-construction) church building and was sent out to get supplies to make our one usable space suitable to be an office. it has been a crazy 2 1/2 months since then!
my official role is "church administrator." basically that means that it' s my job to keep everyone organized and the administrative aspects of the church operating smoothly. also, i've been working with the kids in the neighborhood quite a bit. i'm helping with our after-school activities, which includes helping with homework, playing games, doing arts & crafts etc. there's a FEMA trailer park right next to the church, so there are always plenty of kids hanging around. also, the church is going to be a volunteer income tax assistance (VITA) site this year and i am serving as the site coordinator. this will put my skills from NSP to good use!! i have been busy contacting universities and churches around the city to recruit volunteers, as well as putting together marketing materials for both volunteers and clients. it's gonna be busy until tax time begins!
as a young church, we're doing quite a lot. we have a monthly outreach/block party to get to know our neighbors. we've been having sunday night bible studies since february and since september we've been having a weekly prayer meetings on wednesday nights. also, our new pastor and his wife moved down in august and just last week our pastor officially passed his examination to become ordained! this is a very exciting time for the church. if you are of the praying persuasion, please keep St. Roch Community Church in your prayers, as well as the people in the community. you can check out our website (www.strochcc.org) for more specific ways to pray for and support the work of this new church!
the work of the church honestly takes up most of my time. things are going well with my roommate, melanie. she is a second-grade teacher through teachnola, working at gentilly terrace elementary school just a few miles from where we live. we've gotten to know a bunch of our neighbors and are really enjoying living on our block.

if you watch only one tv show...

...make it something other than "K-Ville."

i was actually looking forward to watching the premiere of the new Fox cop drama last night since it is being filmed in New Orleans and supposedly would have post-Katrina New Orleans as a main character. i'll just save you the suspense and tell you now i was pretty disappointed. admittedly, i'm not a big fan of the crime-drama genre to begin with, so perhaps i should have prepared myself for some of the artificial drama they would cook up. but i was under the impression that it would be more like a show reflecting the actual problems and crime that are a part of the city's reality today. but instead, the first episode was about a conspiracy theory involving a downtown casino and a private security company. maybe this is typical crime-drama fare but i didnt think new orleans was represented well.

first of all, the cop played by cole hauser supposedly came to serve on the nopd from cincinatti, after having spent time in the military. but as we find out at the end (attention, spoiler alert) he is actually a convicted criminal from new orleans. he was in prison during the storm and when it flooded, he escaped and somehow ALL the records were lost. apparently they were so thoroughly lost that he had no problem becoming a new orleans police officer. what!? thanks for adding to the image of corruption. second of all, daytime shootings in the french quarter? no. and that wont help the image of a tourist-friendly place. drive-by shootings with machine guns? no. the writers even had the nerve to suggest that you can still smell "toxic sludge" throughout the city. i'm not sure what kind of scent that is, but i have a feeling that if it was still an issue i would be able to smell it. but no. and the topper was this: in the beginning the cop played by anthony anderson said he was attending a neighbor's gumbo party. now, i am not a new orleans veteran but i have talked to some and none of us have ever heard of a gumbo party.

now i understand that it adds money to the local economy to shoot the show here, so i think that is a great thing. but will it really add sympathy (and more importantly, compassion-driven action) to new orleans' cause? will it become just another backdrop for just another crime-drama? imagining new orleans is like "k-ville" is like imagining that life in new york is like "nypd blue." if you want to know what life is like, come visit.

and if you want to know what other new orleanians had to say, check this out.

august 29: a day (un)like any other day

I wondered what today would be like. There were not as many memorial and commemorative ceremonies planned today as there were on this date a year ago. I didn’t know how it would be for the people in my life who are native new orleanians, people who waded through flood waters and were displaced thousands of miles from home. How does one commemorate an event whose effects are still being felt, an event that, in essence, has not really yet ended?

As I was in the car with patricia, with whom I have been working in the CURE office for the past several months, I asked her if she had any plans to commemorate Katrina. No, she said, she doesn’t want to give any more time or energy to thinking about it. And I realized in that moment that not a single day goes by here where the storm and its effects are not remembered, blamed, looked to as an explanation for current conditions. There is no one here whose life was not effected by the storm. Even I, who moved here just after the 1-year anniversary of Katrina, can see the noticeable results in my life of a storm that hit a city I did not yet know.

So, today proceeded like a typical day. We had a birthday party for stacy, who is indicative of another way my life has changed in the past two years since Katrina. It was Katrina and her damages that brought me down here, yet it’s the relationships and community that have developed around me that kept me here. Stacy is a part of that. Stacy’s birthday originated before Katrina was a curse word in these parts and in true new Orleans fashion, celebrations for stacy will continue long after Katrina’s sting has eased. I went to a hardware store and overheard a man talking about several other hurricanes he had lived through in new Orleans. Not something unusual for any day in this below-sea-level city.

Later I drove around taking pictures of houses to present the juxtaposition of aug 29 2005 to aug 29 2007. it would probably be more accurate to document September 15 2005 versus September 15 2007, since it took that long for most of the water to be pumped out of the houses it had long destroyed by then. As I snapped some photos to point out how little has changed, it occurred to me that that’s not the impression I want to give. Yes, new Orleans is still very very broken. Yes, there are many parts of the city that look like the storm just passed yesterday. Yes, there is still years and years of work to be done. But yes, this city is being rebuilt. Yes, families are living here; normal people are actually getting on with their lives. Next to a leaning, overgrown house is a newly painted one with a “for rent” sign. There are some blocks with maybe one house still needing to be gutted; there are other blocks with maybe one house that is habitable.

I think this city has always been one of great paradox. You can choose which parts to see and revel in and which parts to hide or deny. All I ever knew of new Orleans before I came was mardi gras and the French quarter. But there is so much more. And in relation to Katrina, we can hide in those parts of uptown and the garden district that didn’t get flooded…or we can scan more widely and accept that large parts of the city still have yet to begin healing. I think the only just view is one that encompasses both. Because, in the moments I am honest with myself, that is just like my life. I am a person of great paradox. I can choose to boast of my strengths and those parts of myself that show little damage or I can expose those parts of me that are broken and dark and in need of serious repair. To deny the full picture will only bring partial healing. But to accept and bring to light all that is destroyed is the only way to address all that hurts.

how many times can one person move away from home?

i can't quite verbalize all that occurred to me in that instant on the plane, but as we pulled into the terminal at o'hare, with the overly restless white sox fan sitting to my left, i began to think. something about coming "home" and what that means.

it occurred to me that i needed, and was perhaps watching myself prepare, to let go of the dual-identity that i have been maintaining for so long. i felt like i was standing on the edge, in that place of wanting to hold on to both worlds as long as i can, wanting to continue to be independent and dependent at the same time. i want to have my own life but also slip back into this life too. i want the safety net of both homes, of sort of playing house wherever i lived but being able to count on the more permanent place of the home where i grew up.

these thoughts make that bon jovi country song keep playing on a loop in my head. i'm not saying you can't go back but i have been living a life in-between for quite some time. it's a strange existence where my permanent address has been a place where i haven't lived for more than a month in nearly 6 years. it's an existence where, when i leave the place i'm living i say i'm going home but when i return to that same place, i'm also going home. home is in either and both directions for me. and i realized during that landing that i really like this flexibility, of being able to go "home" anytime and slide right in. but i cant have a split focus forever. part of staying in new orleans was this idea of establishing some sort of roots. that doesn't mean i'll stay forever, but i think it requires a mental shift. maybe it's because i'm actually moving all my furniture and living some place where i have to pay all the bills. maybe it's because my mom told me the next time i move, i pay. whatever it is, there is a shift.

i'd like to think i'm ready for it, but large parts of me are scared, anxious, wanting to leave the big stuff for my parents to sort out, to do what grown-ups do. part of that too is that mostly when i look in the mirror, the word "adult" is not the first thing that comes to mind. but i learned recently that i have a terrible habit of comparing myself to others' appearances...so i must trust that what i see in my reflection is where and who i am right now, and thus where and who i should be. i'm entering a time that is distinctly different to the pattern i have grown accustomed to: go home on set breaks because someone else has decided my schedule. i don't think i'm still trapped in a college mindset but i have to admit--it's very convenient. i've been taking baby steps, well maybe toddler steps, into the "real world" since graduation 3 years ago, but this feels like the biggest step yet. it's like with every forward step i have taken, i have not committed fully to being all there. now, it's like moving more fully in a forward direction. maybe that's it--this actually feels like something different. i'm not in a program, i get to set my own rules, for goodness sake i have a real job! it's fitting then that something would feel different...and just in time.

i would like to have a book that i could turn to that would say: "this is how you should feel right now." and i would adjust accordingly. but part of this process is freeing myself from the "should's" and learning instead to trust the Spirit inside of me. learning to be present in each moment.

yet another part of it is this--my desire for home will never be entirely satisfied, no matter where i physically live. that is part of the way i was created...

They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. (Hebrews 11:13-16)

the home for which i am yearning is a far better place...

and in the meantime i will attempt to sow my heart's seeds in the context and setting of the story in which i find myself.

amen

my apologies

firstly, let me say i am really sorry for the extended delay in posting. while i'm sure there are only a few of you who have stayed on the edge of your seat awaiting this moment, i do feel bad because it was my intention to be more prompt in posting updates. and, there actually is an update to report.

the meat of the message is this: i have decided to stay in new orleans! i have already been able to see many of you and talk to you about this in person, but i am glad to have the opportunity to share it with those who i have not seen.

as a friend told me last year when i was considering coming to new orleans for a year-long volunteer program, the time for decision would come. and come it did. as of the last update i had several clear options, but really my head was spinning with the knowledge that i could honestly, fortunately, and probably do pretty much anything i wanted to do. i was feeling so overwhelmed for most of the decision-considering process that i was really leaning towards just going back to chicago after this program was finished and taking some time to rest and make a decision, somehow immune to any of the outside influences which might have effected my decision. it was going to be just me and my thoughts. (that's a scary idea...)

all the while, i had been praying and seeking prayer for God to provide clarity, peace, discernment--all those things which seem to make the process less painful and confusing. i kept saying, and wanted to believe, that although i had several clear options i was open to wherever God was calling me.

i cant remember the exact sequence of events, but those are less important than their cumulative product. somehow, my mind began thinking about the staying-in-neworleans option differently than it had before. i began to see things here differently and began to look at the process of decision-making differently. in the end, what it boiled down to was this: i could either go home, to spend time with my thoughts, and look for an opportunity that included urban ministry, involvement with a healthy church body, living and working in the same community, and be near friends OR i could stay in new orleans which included working with an urban ministry, involvement with a healthy church body, living and working in the same community, and being with friends. hm... now, i do not mean to imply that all cities are the same or all urban ministries are the same or that my experience with any given ministry would be the same as the experience i could have in new orleans. BUT it didn't seem to make sense that i would give up what i've been building here for a year to go start somewhere else, with the goal of building something very very similar.

this process has reminded me that crucial lesson--just about the time i want to give up on a place because i dont fit in or havent connected, is right about the time that all those connections or friends i had randomly met start falling into place. just stick around long enough and things will come together. not to mention being a part of the life of a place. if living somewhere for one year gives you a picture of a place, think how much more filled-in and deep the colors of that picture can be when given more time to explore and dive into that place. so, thus was my conclusion to stay in new orleans.

now for the specifics. i will join the staff of Desire Street Ministries in New Orleans and work with several families on the start of a new church in a neighborhood near the Upper Ninth Ward. i have been promised that i will not be spending all my time at a desk...in fact i get to spend time in the neighborhood getting to know families, as well as help with an after-school program and free tax preparation! i will be moving to live closer to this neighborhood with a friend from church.

i am really excited about this opportunity and am glad to have made a decision. of course, many questions and unknowns remain, as is the natural state of life in new orleans these days. but, i have learned that faith means taking a step when you dont have all the answers and trusting that God will provide the ground to stand on at the moment you need it. and it hasn't failed yet!

to see life like this...

the inspiration of this boy's story is bringing me to tears. amazing.

no-la

today i had a truly unique new orleanian experience, and the type they don't tell you on the visitors' tour...

thunder and lightning woke me up about 2:30 am and it rained hard on and off all day. well apparently what happens in a city built below sea level when it rains really hard for several hours is that the roads begin to look like rivers. and so it was, when we tried to go back to work after lunch, we looked around and all we could see were cars trying to swim by, water coming up to the tops of the tires. it was craziness!!! it's a combination of being below sea level + sewers that are clogged (because the city is below sea level) + pumps that might not always be working at full force. i got even more of a taste when, in our attempt to drive home, we hit a low spot and (only by the grace of God) just barely made it through. however, not without some questionable effect to the engine--i'm getting that checked out tomorrow morning.

the weirdest part to me was how this was accepted as just a normal thing, the attitude of "this is just what happens." in my mind, coming from chicago where if the snow on your street doesnt get plowed within an hour of its landing there, you're ready to boot your representative from office, this just seemed ridiculous. as our friend from work said though, if it's 2007 and it's always been this way, what's gonna change it now? good point. and it also opened my eyes to what may have been going through the minds of some residents during the build-up to hurricane katrina. if spring and summer storms are a common occurrence, and people can normally just stay inside and shrug them off, then perhaps that is what kept so many people from taking the threats seriously...

and i realized something else, something bigger. if i was in africa, i would have far more compassion for the potentially slower pace of life and fewer modern conveniences. and thats because i am willing to embrace that culture for what it is, instead of trying to impose my standards on what i think it should be. now maybe it's harder for me to do that in relation to New Orleans because we are still in America, after all, but i think it's only fair that i extend grace to this city, as well as to its people...as well as to myself, trying to make sense of this crazy place. New Orleans has a culture all its own, as does every place on the map, and when i abandon my standards and expectations and particular cultural lens, i am freer to embrace what i see before me and celebrate the eccentricities all around. so that's what i want to try to do, flooded streets and all.




note: for the most part, i'm talking about convenience-related cultural quirks. there are clearly various cultural practices around the world that have serious moral failings. that's not what i'm addressing here.

check out Displace me pictures here!

stuck in my head

over the past month or so, i have not been able to get a certain song out of my mind...

Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness
and all these things shall be added unto you,
allelu, aleluia.
Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word
that proceeds from the mouth of God,
allelu, aleluia.
Ask, and it shall be given unto you, Seek, and ye shall find.
Knock, and the door shall be opened unto you,
allelu, aleluia.

it's a simple song and it's no small thing that it has been revolving in my
brain for some time.  it is an important reminder that i must keep
coming back to.

you see, i'm at that point where everyone (including myself) wants to
know "what’s next."  when i decided to come to new orleans, i was
warned by more than one person that i was really just delaying
the inevitable by doing another one-year program.  while i disagree
with this statement at some level, since even the short-term decisions
and plans that we make add up to a long-term compilation (that
john lennon quote comes to mind, “life is what happens when you
are busy making other plans”), i agree that it is somewhat easy to
pick one-year programs and not really consider the longer-term.  
and i must admit i haven't minded putting that off in the past.  i
think there's a lot of complex reasons why i've avoided really facing
the question of what i want to do in my life, some good and some
questionable.  and while i'm getting there, making progress in the
life-long process of thinking about what i would like to do in my life,
i have been reminded over and over again to seek God first.  so often,
i want to seek an answer or a magical finger pointing me in the right
direction.  but no, i'm told to wholly seek Him first.

Matthew wrote about a time that Jesus taught his disciples in the art of
not worrying. 

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what
you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will
wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body
more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the
air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns,
and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you
not much more valuable than they? Who of you by
worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the
lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.
Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his
splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is
how God clothes the grass of the field, which is
here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire,
will he not much more clothe you, O you of little
faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we
eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we
wear?' For the pagans run after all these things,
and your heavenly Father knows that you need
them. But seek first his kingdom and his
righteousness, and all these things will be
given to you as well. Therefore do not worry
about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry
about itself. Each day has enough trouble of
its own."  (Matthew 6.19-34)

i think it's actually pretty easy for me to trust God to provide food, clothes,
shelter on a day to day basis.  but the trickier part is trusting Him to
provide a way, trusting that if I solely seek Him and put the things
of His Kingdom forefront in my mind, that ALL ELSE will be taken
care of.  this is the part where practical emily says "ok ok, i get it, You
will provide my food and clothes. No problem.  but God, i think there
are some logistical details you're neglecting. like where will i work?
where will i live?"  ha! to suggest there is a detail that God is
neglecting, no matter the category, is like suggesting to the sun
that it has forgotten how to shine or suggesting to the earth that
it has forgotten how to spin.  it is contrary to the nature of the
very thing which i am addressing--in other words, impossible.  i
have to remind myself to remember that the “all these things”
which will be given to me do not just include food and shelter
but merely all that I need to live—a plan, a hope, a direction,
and enough faith by which to keep up the pursuit.   

cue stage-left, Faith.  faith is the assurance of things hoped for, things not
seen.  so, if i am to trust and believe and live with abandon in the assurance
of truth that by my pursuing God (and not a career path or "THE right
answer" or plan-of-my-own-creation) He will take care of all the rest, i
need to have some serious assurance of things not seen.  because it makes
no sense, it's completely upside down. the world says it's ok to trust, but
make sure you tie up any possible loose ends in case it comes back to get
you.  the world says pick a career or life-path and go at it like your life
depends on it...because it does. and God says simply and calmly to my
spirit: Follow Me.  there's no room for argument there.

talk about an upside down view/Jeremiah...in Acholi-land?

i have been reading through the book of Jeremiah again and have been
struck by several things. the first is in the message that God calls
jeremiah to deliver to the people being taken captive by the Babylonians.
he tells them they have two choices: fight back & die or surrender &
live.  The Israelites were warned of this captivity and yet refused to
repent in response to God's mercy.  it seemed to them that they had to
fight to protect their land, their families, their lives.  however, God told
them that if they fought they would die.  if they accepted what seemed
to be the illogical—to surrender to a sworn enemy—they would actually
live and prosper in the end.  How nonsensical  is that?  our culture tells
us to fight for our lives, fight for our rights.  we know we have to protect
ourselves because it seems we cannot trust anyone else to protect us.  
but God says give up and trust Me.  He tells His people that the fight
will cost them their lives but their surrender will open a door to future
blessings.  they will not die in captivity, if they remain surrendered to
God, and will be released to greater blessing into God's promises.  

an oft-quoted passage of scripture is jeremiah 29.11:  "For I know the plans
I have for you,” declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you hope and a future." reassuring, certainly, and a look
at the context of this verse sheds some interesting light.

This line is found in a letter from God to His people in exile.  Jeremiah
writes: This is what the LORD Almighty, the God of Israel,
says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to 
Babylon: "Build houses and settle down; plant gardens
and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and
daughters; find wives for your sons and give your
daughters in marriage, so that they too may have
sons and daughters. Increase in number there;
do not decrease.  Also, seek the peace and
prosperity of the city to which I have carried
you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it,
because if it prospers, you too will prosper”…
This is what the LORD says: "When seventy
years are completed for Babylon, I will come
to you and fulfill my gracious promise to
bring you back to this place. For I know the
plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.  Then
you will call upon me and come and pray
to me, and I will listen to you.  You will
seek me and find me when you seek me
with all your heart. I will be found by you,"
declares the LORD, "and will bring you
back from captivity. I will gather you
from all the nations and places where I
have banished you," declares the LORD,
"and will bring you back to the place from
which I carried you into exile." 
(Jeremiah 29.4-14)

encouraging message yes, though it comes only after being told the exile
will last 70 years.  indeed i intend to live a life pursuing the welfare of
the place where i live because i have seen how my welfare is wrapped up
in that.  but how appealing is it to pursue the good of the land to which
you've been unwillingly sent?  how distracted am i on what seems like
punishment to hear that God is clearly intending to use it for my good
and His glory? His words of promise are true, but how much more
value do they have when we see that this promise was coming to people
who "should have" already lost all hope.  This promise was coming
in an unknown land, after being taken captive.  

last night, i slept on the Tulane quad to take part in a simulation of a tiny
taste of what life is like for the Acholi people in northern Uganda.  the
Acholi, similar to the Israelites, have been forced to leave their homes,
land, and livelihoods in the midst of a 21-year civil war that is tearing
their country apart. lately i have wondered, as i have before, how i can
reconcile my knowledge and faith of a loving, just, and righteous God
with all the injustice in the world.  i understand why bad things happen,
but I struggle with why bad things are allowed to continue for so long...
and how God's word can be comforting to people who are starving to
death because of a national situation that they did nothing to initiate or
perpetuate.  i have been reminded that in these times, it is God's
compassion that speaks most clearly and loudly.  while i believe in
a sovereign God, i do not think that means that God watches the world's
evil with pleasure.  to the contrary, i believe that God holds the hands
of the dying mothers, carries the starving babies in His arms and
mourns, weeps tenderly, with them.  i don’t think that any of this
pain or suffering is lost on God, but i just wish He would put it
all to an end!

jeremiah has given me hope, yet again, for the Acholi people and others
who suffer in lands across the world.  God has spoken and His promises
are true--He speaks of a hope that is unseen.  He tells us of a day when
wars will cease and there will be no more tears.  and i think a lot of the
time that He spends talking about justice and righteousness for the
oppressed and abused is a call for those of us who aren’t living in
oppressive situations to break those burdens for our brothers and
sisters who are. i wonder at God how He can write that He delights
in love, justice, and righteousness in the earth when all this suffering
happens but i think that's the point.  He doesn’t delight in the
suffering, but does delight when people respond in love.  

as i read through another section of what God said to His people in
captivity, i caught another glimpse of hope for the Acholi people in
northern Uganda.  He has promised: 
The people who survived the sword found grace in the
wilderness…I have loved you with an everlasting
love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to
you...again you shall take your tambourines, and
go forth in the dance of the merrymakers.  Again you
shall plant vineyards on the mountains of
Samaria...see I am going to bring them from the
land of the north, and gather them from the
farthest parts of the earth, among them the
blind and the lame, those with child and those
in labor, together; a great company, they shall
return here...I will turn their mourning into joy,
I will comfort them, and give them gladness for
sorrow…Keep your voice from weeping, and your
eyes from tears; for there is a reward for your
work, says the Lord: they shall come back from
the land of the enemy; there is hope for your
future... (Jeremiah 31)

i cannot imagine the faith it must take just to survive each day in
Acholi-land, but even more difficult would be surviving without
any faith, any hope of a rescue.  

and God promises the same to me.  His word is to me as it was to the
Israelites and as it is to the Acholi--fight & die or surrender & live.
i must choose to believe, i must ask the Holy Spirit to move me to believe.
i cannot make myself have faith, but i must ask to be open enough to
receive it.  i must surrender to the hope that God is calling me to,
sacrificing the smaller idols that i am tempted to fill my life with. i must
surrender to the truth that God will meet all my needs, even those
logistical ones that i am so tempted to doubt. i must surrender to seeking
God first, and trusting that all else will fall into place. i must surrender to
the love that set me free from wandering in the desert, set me free to a life
that i could never achieve on my own.  i cannot imagine the faith it must
take to survive in Uganda and i ask each day for the faith to survive in
my own land.  

out like a lamb...

and just like that, the month of March was gone. here's a quick recap of the past 31 days of my life...

CCDA institute, where Desire Street hosted several speakers to teach on Christian Community Development ministry; a visit from Rachel, which included a trip to the gumbo shop & hammering at a warehouse; a visit from Karrie & Chelsea, which included a parade with kissing italians, ice cream, beignets, and a pedicure; a sojourn into the all-consuming phenomenon that is the ncaa men's basketball tournament. now i can see why it's called March Madness. i had never been into this before, but living with a college basketball junkie has brought out the competitive spirit in me. i was compelled to make a bracket and now there's a chance i can beat danny wuerffel in our office pool. go buckeyes!!; many beautiful afternoons in audubon park--the average temperature here this month has been approximately 75 degrees; a friend's emergency appendicitis (don't worry, he's fine now); mardi gras indians--this is a long-standing new orleans tradition where grown men don elaborately hand-made feathered & beaded costumes and parade through the streets to commemorate the efforts of native americans in assisting blacks who were escaping slavery; a visit with some Tufts friends, here volunteering for their spring break (some other friends in the city are part of a long-term relief team that coordinated close to 2000 student volunteers during the month of march. college basketball was not the only reason for madness!); various musical performances including switchfoot, rebirth brass band, and ryan and the rhythm-makers at fritzel's european pub; dinner with Mission Year president Leroy Barber; second CDC 58:12 board meeting, which is exciting considering the CDC didn't even exist before i came here; lunch with our favorite former-new-orleanian- now-north-carolinan jeff killebrew; and tonight the month caps off with a fiesta to celebrate the engagement of a friend from church.


prayer requests:
-future steps. the program that i'm in technically ends in august. right now the choices i am looking at are: stay in new orleans to continue working with Desire Street Ministries; move to Milwaukee to live with two of my Mission Year teammates from last year and find a job; move to South Africa to live with one of my chicago friends and work for an organization that she is helping to start. i'm finding that i am very indecisive when it comes to large decisions, thus i dont know what to do. please pray for wisdom and peace and calm in this process.
-our work here & the general recovery of the city. the latest "plan" for the city's recovery was released late this week. that's plan number 5 for those of you keeping score at home, all this a good 19 months after Katrina. and this plan does not include all neighborhoods as priorities. the Desire neighborhood is one of those not included, though it is unclear what exactly that means. we will continue to fight the good fight, believing in the rights and justice of bringing people back home. it is easy to get discouraged, so please pray that we would keep a good attitude and not lose our focus.

there is much to be thankful for, including the above-mentioned details of the past 31 days. although i didn't pick one specific thing to give up for lent, i am looking forward to easter, which represents the reason for my hope--the only sense i have in believing that good will triumph, injustice will end, and love will ultimately win.




p.s. and if you are in the "young adult" demographic and you want to spend some time in New Orleans, apply for the DSM summer internship! you can get information at http://www.desirestreet.org/new/urban.php or ask me for more details

Diagnosis: Mardi Gras Fever

Full-Body Diseases: Mardi Gras Fever (also known as Carnival-itis)

What Causes Mardi Gras Fever?
Mardi Gras Fever is caused by insatiable appetite for more and cooler beads. Also caused by a feeling of what one "MUST do" if the infected person lives in New Orleans; especially heightened if this is the person's first time to experience the Carnival season. Susceptibility to Mardi Gras Fever is also heightened by exposure, for any length of time, to publicity surrounding the holiday season. Excessive amounts of advertising for beads and other useless crap heighten one's vulnerability. Warning: although there is plenty of advance warning and notification of the oncoming Carnival season, Mardi Gras Fever can infect those who least expect it and those whose vaccinations are up to date.

What Are the Symptoms of Mardi Gras Fever?
The classic symptoms of Mardi Gras Fever include:

• Excessive screaming and desire for small, shiny beads; increased enthusiasm and screaming for what is known in the medical community as "cooler throws," including: larger beads, feather boas, plastic spears, foam footballs, plastic cups, lighted medallions, plush animals, plastic coins ("doubloons"). In rarer circumstances, a person may display such symptoms for hand-painted coconuts, satin sleep masks, and small plastic tambourines. In extreme cases, a person infected by Mardi Gras Fever may show such symptoms at even the mention or thought of catching any number random and useless throws.
• Heightened anxiety to find a spot next to the parade route. Includes arriving any number of hours before the parade begins; bringing blankets, chairs, ladders, and even caution tape to secure the "perfect" viewing location. Patients with such symptoms will be highly irritable when such perfect viewing spots are spoiled by parade-goers who arrive later, infringe upon said reserved territory, and yet seem to catch all the best throws.
  
• Insensitivity to personal space, including a willingness to exploit young children and block out others' ability to catch good throws from parade floats.
  
• Throbbing headache. This symptom may last several hours or days after the parade is over. (When tested in several research studies, a direct causation link was discovered between shouting at the top of one's lungs for useless junk with the onset of a severe headache. Thus, this symptom is preventable, yet highly likely for a person who suffers from Mardi Gras Fever).
• Cessation of all basic household functions. May result in large piles of clothing on the floor, dishes in the sink (despite having a dishwasher), a dishwasher with clean dishes that has not been emptied in several days, negligence to go grocery shopping or perform other basic household chores, large piles of beads and other parade booty accumulating around the house, multiple stacks of plastic cups received from parade floats, stray feathers from personal boa usage, assorted air mattresses and extra bedding to accommodate multiple house guests.
• Temporary inability to maintain relationships outside of those directly related to the festivities of Carnival. Due to the excessive time spent with pre-parade preparation, parade-watching, post-parade eating & celebration, a feeling of abandonment can develop in relation to outside friendships. Sufferers of Mardi Gras Fever, and their loved ones, can be comforted by the temporary nature of this symptom and should not take personally the inability of the infected person to return phone calls or take care of normal business.
• Identity confusion. Comes with willingness to adorn costumes and other such activities to garner the attention of parade riders in order to get the best throws.
  
• Sore throat and loss of voice. (This, like throbbing headache, has been directly linked to screaming for multiple days at the top of one's lungs. However, this symptom does not necessarily prove preventative to pursuing further Mardi Gras activities.)
• Neck pains due to wearing multiple strands of heavy beads for even short periods of time.
  
• Excessive fatigue due to not only staying out late for night parades and waking up early to catch the day parades, but also to repetitive physical exertion to acquire all the best beads.
• General aches & pains due to carrying heavy bags full of excessive amounts of beads.
  
• Surges of jealousy, mostly when peers obtain cooler throws, often by manipulative means such as blowing kisses, applying lip gloss, singing or dancing for the throwers or other such tactics.
  

Over the past 12 days, I have been a sufferer of Mardi Gras Fever. I am proud to say I am now in remission and am confident that this infection will not overtake me again. It got to the point where we planning everything around the festivities of Carnival--what to wear, when to wake up, when to eat, where to stand, what to say, who to be with, when to sleep. I have needed all day to recover from my maladie.

My experience with this serious condition has also allowed me time to reflect on the real meaning of the season, as we enter this Lenten time of fasting. Carnival was for the feasting, the celebration of life and people and food and good times. Carnival was a distraction for me and this whole city and sometimes we need distractions. We need to be pulled out of our self-pitying haze of discouragement to be reminded that there is beauty in the world, there is joy in the company of people, there is fun to be had in this life! And Ash Wednesday reminds us that all those distractions will eventually burn away. All we cling to beyond the comfort of a momentary distraction will never fully satisfy, will never last. The distraction was good and we are not to be shamed or scolded for partaking in the celebratory culture of this place. But how many other things do I fill my life with to remain in the constant state of distraction from the pain and difficulties around me? How often do I press in to the pain and willingly pursue the challenges that are not fun? I am thankful for Mardi Gras and am thankful that the people of this city can still find reason to celebrate. And I pray that as seasons of celebration come up in our lives we will welcome them with the same openness that we welcome those seasons of fasting, and facing the challenges.

As the beads are cleaned from the streets and people hang up their masks until next year, the challenges of rebuilding a broken city still remain. Distractions are just that--not a permanent removal of challenges but a temporary diversion of our attention. Perhaps it is the promise of another season of celebration that gives us the hope to push on. Winter will turn to spring and life will come again. If that is a lesson that we can learn from Mardi Gras then let the celebration continue! If we can learn from the Lenten season of fast that we must surrender our comforts upon which we've built our hope and protection in order to truly feast in the bounty that God gives, then we can make it through the sacrifice and enter into the true banquet of life and grace and love.

let the celebration begin!

as we were reminded on friday night, during our first taste of Carnival season, Mardi Gras is a religious holiday. it's our last feast before Lent--and quite a feast it is. check out the pictures from our first weekend of parades. we saw 8 parades in three days and i already have probably over 200 beads in my collection.

still carrying on...

well, by now you know the Saints lost. =( but we still had a great time watching the game--check out the pictures . moving on to the next best thing--Cubs season! This is really our year, i can feel it.

Justice and Football

These are the two big things on my mind right now...

Justice issues seem to be pretty inescapable, considering that I work in a neighborhood that looks pretty much the same as it did on August 30, 2005 and all except 2-3% of its low-income majority African-American population have been unable to return to their homes.

Football because, well, I live in New Orleans and I'm from Chicago--how could it not be on my mind? Sometimes I think the New Orleans Saints are the only things keeping some of the residents here sane. Honestly, I have loved being on both sides of the story having ties to the Big Easy and the Windy City. There's no question who I'm cheering for (sorry Bears fans) but I've enjoyed reading and hearing the New Orleans media accounts of my home-city. One of my favorite blurbs so far, written by Times-Picayune columnist Chris Rose upon his arrival to Chicago, "My fancy downtown hotel has a small plasma display screen in the elevator that shows the weather forecast to help you plan your day.When I checked in Thursday, it read: Partly Cloudy, 25/13. Partly cloudy, I'll say. If Sherman-Williams made an exterior paint the color of the Chicago sky this week, it would be called January Suicide, something from the upscale Boutique Bereavement collection.Much worse was the "25/13" part. That's a football score, not a weather forecast. What kind of human being would live in these kinds of conditions?" Oh Chris, if only you knew... He goes on to make another major faux pas. Admittedly, the Saints professional record has been nothing stellar and this is their first appearance this far into the playoffs in their 40 year franchise history. But Mr. Rose made the mistake of terming it "the sorriest franchise in sports history." It was all I could do to hold myself back from falling out of my chair. I am willing to go on the record claiming that title for my beloved Chicago Cubs--who haven't won a World Series since 1908. In fact that date, 1908, has been ingrained in my psyche since I was a little girl. I'm willing to admit that I can share in the pain of Saints fans, which is perhaps why I'm excited to see them beat the Bears tomorrow, but let's just be clear about who's really the WORST.

Read the full Chris Rose articles here: Article 1 and Article 2. And one more article to prove my point.

Life on the Oregon Trail

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the computer game "Oregon Trail." Not only because I miss those old Apple IIe computers, but also because it reminds me of my life here in New Orleans. Let me explain...

In May, when Leroy Barber, president of Mission Year, came to visit our team in Oakland, he talked about the new opportunity being developed for Mission Year alumni to live and work for a year on the Gulf Coast. Short on logistical details, Leroy hooked me with his talk about the need for pioneers--this would be a year for people ready to lead the relief work. Whereas Mission Year is a pretty well-oiled machine, complete with an extensive handbook, this opportunity in the Gulf had far fewer details worked out. Normally, this would be a rather unattractive prospect for a potential year-long commitment, but the idea of being a pioneer and helping to shape history on the Gulf Coast inspired me to go. However, in a recent Unified New Orleans Plan district meeting, we sat around the table with City Councillor Cynthia Hedge-Morrell as she explained to the group that really we are not pioneers, but in fact we are trailblazers. The trailblazers make a path where there is none, and pursue what may seem to others like nothing more than a pipe dream. Trailblazers see hope and a destination where others see only wilderness and barriers. Pioneers, you see, may be the first ones to follow the path towards the destination. Pioneers are brave and courageous for going in new directions but someone had to come first to set out that path. The real pioneers will be the residents of New Orleans who are in the first waves to return in light of the progress that has been made. They will come not knowing what to expect, but hopeful in the path that has been tentatively laid out. The settlers are the residents of the city who will be returning for years and years to come. They will return to homes and neighborhoods rebuilt. The return of these families might skip a generation, but this city will be re-settled.

So you see, all this explorer-lingo got me thinking about my days playing "Oregon Trail." A lot of times I feel like I am traversing the wild west in nothing but a covered wagon and trying to plot new ways to get to the destination. While the description of a trailblazer may seem glamorous, most of the time it has been anything but for us. There are certain unique challenges that come along with being the one to clear away the branches when you can't quite see what's in front of you. While we are not needing to hunt buffalo for our meals or cure Susie's typhoid, the current trailblazers in New Orleans have their own set of difficulties to overcome. It looks like hundreds, if not thousands, of people in this city struggling to keep their homes heated when the droplets of storm water still gathered in the gas mains around the city block natural gas flow into their homes. We experienced this last week, though fortunately we have electric heat. However, we went without hot water and stove/oven power for 7 days. We whined and complained, and we were only among the many of others who face this everyday in this city. The energy company is understaffed and overworked and the whole system is messed up. It looks like sitting around a table for months to come up with a "plan" for recovery, and then waiting even longer to know if there will be an implementation strategy. It means adjusting to New Orleans culture while at the same time figuring out which parts of tradition will need to be foresaken for the cause of rebuilding this city in an effective and healthy way. It means often not knowing what each day will bring, attending meetings that may prove fruitless, and soldiering on in light of a lot of unanswered questions.

Just having been here for a few months, I feel like a small cog in the whole trailblazing process. I was fortunate enough to spend the weekend with a group of passionate, committed pastors from several local churches. I was at the CURE retreat not as a leader but as a listener. What a privilege! I felt like I was just along for the ride as these pastors talked about what's really important to the recovery of their churches and the community. The conversation turned to how we really define Christian Community Development. It was so neat to see these leaders, the real trailblazers, talk not just about what their individual needs were or how many personal struggles they had but actually discuss what their vision was for a community re-born. I've read books and heard speakers on this topic, but none were quite as encouraging as sitting around the table in this conversation. These leaders are not subscribing to someone else's view or just following tradition. These trailblazers are asking the difficult questions and challenging themselves to come up with the answers that will bring hope and new life in the community.

On the first night of the CURE retreat, we watched a CNN special about the situation in New Orleans. It seems weird when the news of your city is designated for a special on a cable network, although of course we wanted to watch. It kind of reminded me of all the CNN I watched during the days immediately after the storm, wondering how it was possible that the plight of people in New Orleans was being broadcast nationwide while those people, so cut off from the rest of the world, screamed for help, wondering if anyone out there could hear them. People on rooftops waving for help and me sitting on a couch, thousands of miles away, feeling powerless to help. Watching it this time, though, made me glad to be a part of New Orleans. So many times I can watch news like that and then, when I'm sufficiently uncomfortable, I can change the channel to something more pleasant to watch. But here is a city that is crying out for help and I get to be here to be a part of the solution!

As people gathered to protest the violence in the city, many remarked that it feels like the "same old story," same as usual, and that nothing has really changed with all the promises and rhetoric that have proven empty. People are asking the same questions: Where is the accountability? Where is the money? How can we stop the crime? Many of the systems and routines of this city were broken long before the storm and the aftermath of Katrina is exposing all that. It is a testament to the amazing power of God to counter darkness with light. He brings light to bear on the darkest of situations, in order to bring healing and truth to pain and deceit. And that light also shows that there is an alternative, there is a different way. As we clear away the dust and debris, we have nearly a clean slate. As a trailblazer, we don't have to follow the routine that has been set before. We don't have to go down the same old road. And the Kingdom of God provides us a detour. The Kingdom is a whole different story and its vision of restoration and hope is what keeps me here and committed to the trail. We can choose to look at what is directly in front of us or we can keep our gaze set beyond what our limited eyes can see. There is something deep within us that calls out for something more. There is something we can't deny, some power that has brought all these people back here already yearning for their city to be brought back to life. And as blazers of a new trail, we are in pursuit of not the same life that this city once had but a wholly new life of love, truth and justice. We say we are blazing a trail, but truly we are trying to cling to the path that God has set out before us. Some days the way is clear, others we trip over our own feet. But if we are to reach the end, we must get up, dust off, and keep pursuing the city of light and promise of which we dream.